Riding Along

Ummm, there is something outside of my apartment that can only be described as a JewMobile. A white minivan, doors agape with a giant light up Menorah on top and blue streamers a-plenty. The best part is the music blaring up and down the street (please forgive me if you are Jewish and reading this...) that goes something like "Machina Machina Machino- Yo yo yo yo yoooooooo!" I'm totally cool with the fact that they need to drive down St. Marks handing out tiny Menorah candles and dancing in a circle, but I wish that they knew more than one song. Also, I think as Jews, they should be able to easily recognize other Jews and not yell at everyone walking down the street asking if they are Jewish. Look at me- I think the song you are singing is about machine guns- clearly I am not looking to score a light up dradle on the way home. While this pic taken from the "terrace" is really bad, I think you can get the idea.
JewMobile, JewMobile, Hunting for Jews in the JewMobile!

FYI

It Takes a Rare Man to Pull Off a Mustache. And if that man isn't George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jude Law, or Robert Downey Jr. — all of whom have taken, and failed, Lip Lawns 101 — then odds are it also will not be you. Because unless you are The Young and the Restless' Victor Newman, whose mouth topiary nicely underlines his attempts to destroy/disinherit/wish death upon people in that dramatic German accent, you will probably end up looking like a cheesy porn star- and who wants to lock lips with that at Christmas time?

Princess Unicorn

Mixed Drinks...Part Deux

After the falling, the hangover, and the underwear yesterday- coworkers decided to go for a post work happy hour. I'm not a big fan of Stout, because its so crowded during happy hour that you have to dry hump someone to get to the bathroom, but it's close to work, so..

Three of the 5 other people I'm with are married/have children/all of the above. So I just grab a glass of red wine and sip knowing that they will all peace out within the hour to get home to their families. We find a "table," and are happy to have space to breathe even though there are several hundred half empty glasses on our "table." After a few drinks, only one of them has fallen, so I'm pleasantly surprised! At this point, my 90 pound co-worker utters those fateful words....
"Let's take a shot!"
Ummm, right... Soko and limes all around and we are discussing our limited experience with drugs. This seems inappropriate- i dunno. Next thing I know, someone accidentally picks up one of the half empty, left behind drinks instead of their own. "NOOO!" i shout- "don't drink that!"

"I'll drink it," says the shot co-worker. Um that's disgusting- first off, it's Scotch and secondly, someone else already backwashed their spinach and artichoke dip in there. We all ignore her until another co-worker says, "I dare you..." Of course she says she will do it if he will too. They decide that dilluting the Scotch with a half empty glass of wine will make it tolerable....

Swear to God, I watched them both shotgun half of a "Scotch and Cabernet" containing the saliva of God knows who. What the hell is going on!!!??? I thought I was out with the "over 35" crowd! I have to get out of here immediately!

Mixed drinks... Part Une

Tuesday night with all the leftover alcohol from last weekend, a roommate that's leaving the next day, and a magic mike= RIDIC. Picture 5 girls drinking things like orange vodka chased with leftover red wine while belting Mr. Big "To Be With You." Yes, I am aware that everyone in my building is now probably planning retaliation including things like rotten eggs, leftover Indian food, and old Christmas trees.

Nevertheless, we are having a fabulous time until the wee hours. So Wednesday morning I wake up too late to find that my roommates have also woken up too late and I realize that I am going to work without a shower. Whatevs- at least I only have one meeting, and its with Marketing. As a general rule, most of them look like they traded clothes with the bodega owner while getting their morning coffee so I'm not worried. So I pull on some pants (that could also be considered leggings), choose a couple of tops and put on a belt cause that always makes you look more put together...

Running down Saint Marks metro card in hand. Crossing 3rd avenue. Boots sliding on a grate. Laying on my ass in oncoming traffic. Some guy in trench coat bending down saying "Are you okay!??"

Yeah, that just happened. Thanks guy in trenchcoat for being the only person not wearing a hood, listening to an ipod, and stepping over my body lying in the street. Perhaps you just needed some karma points, but at this point I don't care. Get to work late, turn on computer, sit down. What the hell am I sitting on?? Get up, look behind me- nothing. WTF!? Sit down, again- realize that whatever it is in IN my pants. I'm in my office, reaching down my pants, and finding... something. Ah yes, a morning surprise of dirty underwear in my form fitting tuxedo pants... Honestly, who does this happen to? At least I walked all the way to work, was helped off of the asphalt, and said good morning to my boss looking like I have a giant tumor growing out of my thigh... (ITS NOT A TUMA!)

Anyone, anyone?

Late Recap

Soooo, as a follow up to my earlier post about my Sunday morning outfit- here's what happened on Saturday...

My roommates and I have planned a holiday/birthday party and invited about 50 people. I'm going to estimate that about 25 people will fit comfortably in our apartment that is the size of my old closet (ironically, I now have no closet- just a place on the wall to hang clothing that I fashioned out of random materials from Home Depot.) If you are in this situation- simply follow these steps:

1. To compensate for the poor ratio of apartment to guests, create a very desirable ratio of guests to food/alcohol. The logic being that the drunker people are, the less they will care about your roommate's boyfriend's coworker's friend accidentally grabbing their ass. Repeatedly.

**Mulled wine- check

Tower of chocolate chip cookies- check'

Chips, cupcakes, dip, choco-peanuts, and other artery-clogging foods- check

Ridiculous amount of green and red jello shots- check

All available half empty bottles of liquor in our apartment (including one Nalgene bottle full

of something clear)- check

2. Don't worry about refrigerator space- as long as it's cold, just keep all of the open alcohol on the fire escape (aka "terrace") for chilling. This creates much more space for the 100 dixie cups full of jello and vodka. [As a side note: In case you are, like me, from the South and attempting to make jello shots in NYC- you CANNOT buy Everclear in the city. It is actually illegal. Maybe someone accidentally set themselves on fire or something... i dunno]

3. Create harmony among your guests- i.e, invite all of the guys in your apartment building and none of the girls.

4. Once the guests clearly outnumber the amount of square footage, ditch your apartment for a bar only inviting the harmonious guests which you have deemed worthy of hanging out with you. And bring the Nalgene bottle full of the clear stuff.

Visual aids:

Footnote: don't forget to taste several of the jello shots before any guests arrive, just to ensure consistency.

Zeitgeist

On a serious note, I recently watched something that made me feel both empowered and paranoid at the same time. This is a voice that is never heard. Everyone should see this:

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/